If you’ve followed my blog for any period of time, I am truly humbled. It’s mind boggling that anyone would care enough about my thoughts to commit even a few minutes to reading them. For those of you, like David Patterson, who have been following since the beginning, I apologize for those early posts (which in retrospect are more like mini term papers).

I started this blog right after grad school when I had a million thoughts swirling around my head and could write 5,000-word essays in my sleep. I guess after reading hundreds of books in two short years I tricked myself into thinking I was smart and interesting.

Initially, I decided to write about “Christ, Culture, Community and Church” (the tagline that still appears at the top of my homepage). At that time, I was thinking about getting a PhD in Cultural Anthropology. Fortunately, my wife threatened me with physical violence (not really; but she wasn’t very keen on the idea of 3 more years of single parenting). Then a college President that I greatly respect talked some sense into me. His actual words were: “There’s a reason why they call it a ‘terminal degree’: it will kill you. So unless you want to teach at a university, I don’t know why you would do that to yourself.”

So… no PhD for me.

Since then I’ve realized that most of my brilliant thoughts were inspired by other people (who actually are smart and interesting) — not me. I like to think there are at least a few traces of my Intellectual DNA in there somewhere (but I doubt there’s enough for a conviction).

The ironic thing is, when I write about Christ, Culture, Community or Church – nobody really cares. But when I write about things that seem silly or off-the-cuff (like Rubbernecking, roMANce or the End of the World in 2012) my blog stats skyrocket.

WTFiddle?? I don’t get it.

In recent months, you may have noticed that the frequency of my posts has dwindled to a near standstill; more likely, they’ve simply been “out of sight and out of mind.”

I didn’t read a single book in 2011. I wanted to clear my head and re-discover my own voice.

Me to Myself: ”Hello? Kraig? Are you still in there?”
Myself to Me: ”….”

Truth is, behind the scenes I’ve been in a wrestling match with God (if you can imagine a gnat wrestling an elephant).

Me to God: ”Hello? God? Are you still up there?”
God to Me: ”….”

I’m pretty sure God is still up there, but for the first time in my adult life I’ve entered a new year without any measurable goals. I don’t have an agenda. I don’t have a strategic plan. I don’t even know what I’m going to do for dinner tonight. I certainly don’t know what I’m going to blog about.

I feel like I’m floating on a raft in the middle of the ocean with no paddle, no wind, and no sail. Fortunately, there aren’t any waves, either. Or sharks. Yet.

I think I’ll buy a volleyball.

And name it Wilson.

Until then, let me leave you with the words of someone else, who stole my thoughts for his book (is “psychic plagiarism” illegal?).

Since the day I committed my life to following Christ, I have struggled to understand what God expects of me. To the best of my ability, though, I have endeavored to live out my faith, both privately—through prayer, Scripture study, and worship—and publicly, by demonstrating God’s love to others through my actions and words, not just within my small circle of relationships but in the broader community as well. I have tried to appreciate the mystery of the good news we Christians call the “gospel” and its power to change the world by changing the human heart. I have stumbled many times on this journey and do not claim to have it all figured out….

I, too, have had a lifelong battle trying to “walk the talk.” I am certainly no saint or hero, and I never set out to “save the world”—I didn’t have that kind of courage or imagination. I was a most reluctant recruit to this cause—in many ways a coward. But as you read a little more about my story, my hope is that you’ll learn from my mistakes and laugh a little at my failures. That God still chooses to use flawed human beings like me is both astonishing and encouraging. And if He can use me, He can use you.”

Richard Stearns, The Hole in Our Gospel (Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 2009), p.4.

An effective apology contains FOUR ELEMENTS:

1. A statement of REMORSE. This tells the other person you feel bad about what’s happened and it usually takes the form of, “I’m sorry…”

2. A statement of personal RESPONSIBILITY. Never follow “I’m sorry” with “but.” That’s not an apology — that’s an excuse. If you are sincere then you need to take responsibility for whatever has happened. Own it & confess it: “I’m sorry that I _______…” Don’t pass the buck; don’t try to justify it; just acknowledge that you messed up and confess what you did wrong.

3. A statement of REPENTANCE. It’s not good enough to feel bad for something you’ve done if you haven’t learned from it. If faced with a similar situation in the future, what will you do differently? This conveys that you’re serious, you’ve given it some thought, and you’re not just trying to get out of the doghouse. “I’m sorry that I [did this terrible thing]. Next time I’ll [do this instead of that]…”

4. A statement of RESTORATION. The whole point of an apology is to bring healing to your relationship. As the “debtor” in the situation, restoration isn’t yours to grant — you have to request it. I suggest you ask nicely. The most common approach is, “Please forgive me.” Hopefully this will do the trick, but depending on the nature of your offense you may have to endure purgatory for a while. If so, take your medicine like a man; stay humble; remember that restoration is a process.

That’s my formula for an effective apology, but maybe I’m missing something. In your experience, what makes for a good apology? What makes an apology seem insincere?

Over the years I’ve completed several personality profiles & they all seem to communicate the same basic picture:
I can be a jerk.

Well, that’s not how they say it. Technically I’m an Extraverted iNtuitive Thinking Judging, Enneagram Type 8 with a 9 Wing, high-D, “Lion” who is Literary-Scientific, oriented toward the Future, and has a strong natural tendency to formulate Strategic Plans.

In other words, I’d be a good Dictator. One assessment told me my trademark saying could be something like,
“I’m really sorry you have to die.”

(The sad part is… typing that made me laugh.)

Yet God called me into ministry.

Weird.

It’d be cool if that calling came with a supernatural personality change that made me more, well, “pastoral.”

But it doesn’t work that way.

God called me “as is — no warranty” and then sent me out.

God likes doing things that way.

He called Moses (who had a speech impediment) to be his spokesman. He called David (who was a military warrior) as a harp-playing, psalmist-king. He called farmers to be prophets, and fishermen to be disciples.

God would give an HR Manager a nervous breakdown.

The apostle Paul noticed this tendency in God and wrote, “Remember, dear brothers and sisters, that few of you were wise in the world’s eyes or powerful or wealthy when God called you. Instead, God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And he chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful. God chose things despised by the world, things counted as nothing at all, and used them to bring to nothing what the world considers important. As a result, no one can ever boast in the presence of God” (1 Cor 1:26-29 NLT).

Not only are we denied the opportunity to boast about our success, but we are simultaneously denied any excuse we could use for NOT doing what God has called us to do.

Brilliant!

Has God called you to do something you feel ill-equipped to handle? If so, what? Are you the opposite of the ideal candidate? Perhaps that’s proof that God is calling you out…

“Must Love Dogs”?

Really??

What if you don’t?

If you don’t love dogs, the appropriate response to a statement like that depends on the nature of your relationship.

If you are single, and see it posted on someone’s eHarmony profile – please do yourself (& the other person) a favor and look elsewhere. DO NOT PASS GO. Pretending to love dogs just to get a date is sad & pathetic.

If you’re dating and later discover you “must love dogs,” then you’ve got options. You can (1) confess and hope he/she loves you more than dogs; (2) try to negotiate a compromise; or (3) visit a pet store and see how it goes. Who knows, maybe you just need to give love a chance?

If you’re married, buy a dog and love it. It’s that simple.

[Note: This principle may be applied to any scenario - not just dogs.]

(Problems viewing the embedded video? Watch it on YouTube here.)

Synopsis: True love is valued most by those who feel like they deserve it the least. This is the story of my personal discovery of the God who sees everything that’s wrong with me, but loves me anyways…

(Having problems with the embedded video? Click here to view on YouTube.)

So far I’ve:
* Amassed a huge pile of regrets.
* Done more things wrong than right.
* Lost track of more friends than I can count.
* Managed to embarrass myself on a regular basis.
* Made thousands of stupid decisions.
* Said many, many things that made people mad
(or sad, or hurt, or whatever).
* Learned hundreds of lessons “the hard way.”
* Done some stuff I’ll never mention in public
(& am trying to forget in private).
* Felt the pain of loss, failure and disillusionment.

All-in-all, I think things are going great!

The bottom line is God doesn’t give a rip about any of that stuff.

He’s not mad at me.

He’s not disappointed.

He loves me.

A lot.

In fact, He loves everything about me.

Yes, everything … because he sees me through the perfection of Jesus — not the failures of Kraig.

If for no other reason than Jesus, I can tell you with sincerity, things are going great!

“I’m not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don’t get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I’ve got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I’m off and running, and I’m not turning back” (Philippians 3:12-14 MSG).

Though these concepts are complementary, they are not the same. If you hope to keep the fire burning in a long-term relationship, you need to know what they are, what they do and when they are appropriate.

I’ve already written about romance so I won’t go into any detail here, but one of the keys to romance is its visibility.

When you are being romantic you are putting your love on display for the world to see. It’s like standing on a mountaintop and shouting to the world, “I am in love with this person!” The benefit of romance is twofold: (1) the special someone in your life knows they’re loved, and (2) the rest of the world knows you are in an exclusive relationship.

It’s the exclusivity of the relationship that makes intimacy possible.

Intimacy happens the moment we are invited into the exclusive VIP room of another person’s life. Intimacy always follows the statement, “I’m going to tell you something I’ve never told anyone before.” These are risky words of deep trust and vulnerability. The exclusivity of personal information creates the conditions of intimacy. That intimacy is preserved in that relationship as long as the information remains exclusive. The moment it is available to anyone and everyone is the moment intimacy begins to evaporate. -S. Hipps, Flickering Pixels (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2009), 113.

You see, whereas romance is public — intimacy is private. Romance is broadcast to the world; intimacy is hidden from the world.

Intimacy is much more than sex – it is created by any exclusive activity, event or information privately shared between two people in a relationship.

In fact, sex is intimate only because it’s something private that’s exclusively shared between two people. If you video tape yourself having sex and post it online, I assure you (among 1000 other things) intimacy is lost.

The same principle holds true of things that don’t take place in the bedroom. INtimacy is INsider INformation – once it’s declassified (shared with the world), it’s no longer intimate (even if it is romantic).

In other words, if you want a romantic getaway — feel free to post pictures and status updates on Facebook. But if you want an intimate getaway — then the world can never know the details. In that way, intimacy creates a special bond between two people; it’s like the Super Glue of relationships.

Which brings me to my promised update on this year’s celebration of Dawn’s birthWEEK…

Last year, I went the roMANtic route (thus the blog posts and shared details); this year I’ve decided to go the INtimate route. In a couple of weeks I’m going to take my bride out of town and give her the best vacation of her life. (Scheduling conflicts made this week an impossibility, so our festivities are briefly delayed.)

Since INtimacy is my goal, I’m not going to share details with the world. In fact, I’m not even going to tell Dawn where we’re going until we get to the airport!

Upon our return, I’m not going to blog about it. We’re not going to post pictures on Facebook. And we’re not going to tell you about it when you ask. Sorry, you’ll just have to use your imagination.

Remember: INtimacy is INsider INformation.

My friends, romance and intimacy are both critical for your relationships, but they are not the same thing. Each has a specific role to play and one should complement the other.

So… if roMANtic is what you’re shooting for — bring a video camera and find a WiFi hot spot (no sex videos, please). But if you’re wanting to create INtimacy, don’t undermine the exclusivity of your relationship by sharing INsider INformation with OUTsiders (even if they are your friends).

I love you all; but I love Dawn more. ~Kraig

Every family has traditions.

Some traditions are inherited from previous generations and some are purely accidental. Some traditions were carried with you from your childhood and some were created because of your children.

My favorite kind of traditions are the kind we create on purpose; traditions that communicate in symbolic ways the significance of a person or event.

In my family, my wife, Dawn, gets a birthWEEK — instead of a birthDAY — and it’s become my favorite week of the year! It’s my opportunity to pour out my love and appreciation for her for seven days straight.

You may ask, “Shouldn’t you do that all year?”

Yes, I should, and I do.

But during Dawn’s birthWEEK I pull out all the stops.

I get intentional. I plan and I prepare. I do research and pay special attention to otherwise passing comments in the months prior to her big week. I notice the things she notices. I write ideas down so I won’t forget. I stash small increments of cash away for several weeks so (a) it’s not missed in the budget, and (b) I can buy stuff without her knowing (which is very hard to do since Dawn is an accounting expert and actively manages our bank accounts).

I also collaborate with her friends and/or family when I want to pull something off that I can’t do alone.

Like this:

It’s not about buying a bunch of stuff, so Dawn’s birthWEEK doesn’t really cost much more than a birthDAY. Remember, a good tradition is about communicating “in symbolic ways the significance of a person or event.”

Dawn is the most significant person in my life and this happens to be her 40th birthWEEK, so here’s a rundown…

• Sunday, September 19 – Birthday card & digital camera (hopefully this one won’t get stolen or lost).
• Monday, September 20 – Birthday card & iTunes gift card (selfish bonus: every song she downloads will remind her of me).
• Tuesday, September 21 (her actual birthDAY) – Birthday card & videos from out-of-town family/friends (took a lot of time & effort but cost $0.00).
• Wednesday, September 22 – Birthday card & bag of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups (her favorite – plus they were on sale!).
• Thursday, September 23 – Birthday card & the KitchenAid Stand Mixer she’s been coveting for the past 15 years (the red one!).
• Friday, September 24 – Birthday card & the video at the top of this post (I’ve been collecting “I Love You” pics since mid-July). We took a vacation day to spend today together (please do not call or look for us…we will ignore you if you do). Exception: we will be at the tailgate party and NHS football game tonight if you’d like to present Dawn with a card or gift of your own! Ha!
• Saturday, September 25 – CLASSIFIED. That’s tomorrow so I’m keeping it under wraps (use your imagination — but make sure you imagine something awesome!).

Well…that’s it for this year! Time to start thinking about her next birthWEEK. I’d better get crackin’ — it’s only 51-weeks away!

Does your family have any unique traditions?

[2011 UPDATE: Yes, this is Dawn's birthWEEK and tomorrow is Dawn's birthDAY. I know you're probably wondering what I did this year to celebrate the pure awesomeness of Dawn. I'll tell you ... in my next post.]

Sometimes SADNESS can feel like a schoolyard bully. It is intimidating, arrives unexpectedly and undauntedly, and can easily chase away HAPPINESS (and take his lunch money).

On days like that, it’s good to remember that HAPPINESS has an older brother — JOY.

JOY is big enough and strong enough to beat the crap out of SADNESS and will hang around until HAPPINESS gets back on his feet.

If you’re having “one of those days” when SADNESS is lingering in your heart and HAPPINESS is nowhere to be found, remember that JOY is only a prayer away. JOY goes to a different school (a HIGH School) and hangs out on a different playground (HEAVEN) but it’s there for you any time you need it.

During some of Israel’s most difficult challenges Nehemiah said to the people, “Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength” (see Neh 8:9-12). That’s my prayer for you today, too. May God bless you with abundant JOY and may it punch SADNESS in the face — in Jesus’ name! ~Kraig