Close, intimate, romantic relationships are very difficult to maintain over a long period of time. Based on personal experience, I reveal “some stuff I know” that can help YOUR relationship succeed…
Posts Tagged ‘Marriage’
#someSTUFFiknow (about relationships)
Posted: September 5, 2012 in loveTags: intimacy, love, Marriage, relationships, romance
How to Apologize
Posted: November 28, 2011 in Christianity, familyTags: apologize, apology, I'm sorry, life lessons, Marriage, Parenting, relationships, remorse, repentance, responsibility, restoration
Nobody likes to admit they’ve messed up, but let’s face it, sooner or later it’s gonna happen. Learning how to apologize the right way is vital if you hope to preserve your relationship(s) over the long haul.
An effective apology contains FOUR ELEMENTS:
1. A statement of REMORSE. This tells the other person you feel bad about what’s happened and it usually takes the form of, “I’m sorry…”
2. A statement of personal RESPONSIBILITY. Never follow “I’m sorry” with “but.” That’s not an apology — that’s an excuse. If you are sincere then you need to take responsibility for whatever has happened. Own it & confess it: “I’m sorry that I _______…” Don’t pass the buck; don’t try to justify it; just acknowledge that you messed up and confess what you did wrong.
3. A statement of REPENTANCE. It’s not good enough to feel bad for something you’ve done if you haven’t learned from it. If faced with a similar situation in the future, what will you do differently? This conveys that you’re serious, you’ve given it some thought, and you’re not just trying to get out of the doghouse. “I’m sorry that I [did this terrible thing]. Next time I’ll [do this instead of that]…”
4. A statement of RESTORATION. The whole point of an apology is to bring healing to your relationship. As the “debtor” in the situation, restoration isn’t yours to grant — you have to request it. I suggest you ask nicely. The most common approach is, “Please forgive me.” Hopefully this will do the trick, but depending on the nature of your offense you may have to endure purgatory for a while. If so, take your medicine like a man; stay humble; remember that restoration is a process.
That’s my formula for an effective apology, but maybe I’m missing something. In your experience, what makes for a good apology? What makes an apology seem insincere?
“Must Love Dogs”?
Really??
What if you don’t?
If you don’t love dogs, the appropriate response to a statement like that depends on the nature of your relationship.
If you are single, and see it posted on someone’s eHarmony profile – please do yourself (& the other person) a favor and look elsewhere. DO NOT PASS GO. Pretending to love dogs just to get a date is sad & pathetic.
If you’re dating and later discover you “must love dogs,” then you’ve got options. You can (1) confess and hope he/she loves you more than dogs; (2) try to negotiate a compromise; or (3) visit a pet store and see how it goes. Who knows, maybe you just need to give love a chance?
If you’re married, buy a dog and love it. It’s that simple.
[Note: This principle may be applied to any scenario - not just dogs.]
roMANce vs. INtimacy
Posted: September 22, 2011 in love, MarriageTags: exclusivity, facebook, Interpersonal relationship, intimacy, Intimate relationship, Marriage, Relationship, romance, sex
Do you know the difference between romance and intimacy?
Though these concepts are complementary, they are not the same. If you hope to keep the fire burning in a long-term relationship, you need to know what they are, what they do and when they are appropriate.
I’ve already written about romance so I won’t go into any detail here, but one of the keys to romance is its visibility.
When you are being romantic you are putting your love on display for the world to see. It’s like standing on a mountaintop and shouting to the world, “I am in love with this person!” The benefit of romance is twofold: (1) the special someone in your life knows they’re loved, and (2) the rest of the world knows you are in an exclusive relationship.
It’s the exclusivity of the relationship that makes intimacy possible.
Intimacy happens the moment we are invited into the exclusive VIP room of another person’s life. Intimacy always follows the statement, “I’m going to tell you something I’ve never told anyone before.” These are risky words of deep trust and vulnerability. The exclusivity of personal information creates the conditions of intimacy. That intimacy is preserved in that relationship as long as the information remains exclusive. The moment it is available to anyone and everyone is the moment intimacy begins to evaporate. -S. Hipps, Flickering Pixels (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2009), 113.
You see, whereas romance is public — intimacy is private. Romance is broadcast to the world; intimacy is hidden from the world.
Intimacy is much more than sex – it is created by any exclusive activity, event or information privately shared between two people in a relationship.
In fact, sex is intimate only because it’s something private that’s exclusively shared between two people. If you video tape yourself having sex and post it online, I assure you (among 1000 other things) intimacy is lost.
The same principle holds true of things that don’t take place in the bedroom. INtimacy is INsider INformation – once it’s declassified (shared with the world), it’s no longer intimate (even if it is romantic).
In other words, if you want a romantic getaway — feel free to post pictures and status updates on Facebook. But if you want an intimate getaway — then the world can never know the details. In that way, intimacy creates a special bond between two people; it’s like the Super Glue of relationships.
Which brings me to my promised update on this year’s celebration of Dawn’s birthWEEK…
Last year, I went the roMANtic route (thus the blog posts and shared details); this year I’ve decided to go the INtimate route. In a couple of weeks I’m going to take my bride out of town and give her the best vacation of her life. (Scheduling conflicts made this week an impossibility, so our festivities are briefly delayed.)
Since INtimacy is my goal, I’m not going to share details with the world. In fact, I’m not even going to tell Dawn where we’re going until we get to the airport!
Upon our return, I’m not going to blog about it. We’re not going to post pictures on Facebook. And we’re not going to tell you about it when you ask. Sorry, you’ll just have to use your imagination.
Remember: INtimacy is INsider INformation.
My friends, romance and intimacy are both critical for your relationships, but they are not the same thing. Each has a specific role to play and one should complement the other.
So… if roMANtic is what you’re shooting for — bring a video camera and find a WiFi hot spot (no sex videos, please). But if you’re wanting to create INtimacy, don’t undermine the exclusivity of your relationship by sharing INsider INformation with OUTsiders (even if they are your friends).
I love you all; but I love Dawn more. ~Kraig
